As we approach the end of 2025, Robert Marx and Clara Strauss reflect on the value of real, authentic connections in a world where our value is often judged by what we do and bring.
Are we becoming disconnected?
There was a programme on the radio recently in which young people were talking about relationships. They were discussing dating apps, and the pros and cons of being in a romantic relationship. As it went on, the transactional nature of what they were describing became more unsettling, weighing advantages and disadvantages of a relationship, as if buying a kitchen appliance.
If we approach life like a balance sheet, we will surely only ever get a sense of doing well or not so well. We will never get a sense of being well. A recent Office for National Statistics survey found that over one in four adults (27%) felt lonely at least some of the time . The detrimental effects of loneliness have been compared to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Haven’t we all seen, or maybe been, those people in restaurants sitting opposite each other and looking not at each other but at their phones, sometimes for most of the meal. Are we losing the art of conversation, of connecting?
Isn’t connection what gives us meaning and satisfaction? And real connection cannot be transactional; it can only be without agenda. The Jewish philosopher, Martin Buber contrasted ‘I-Thou’ relating with ‘I-It’ relating. In ‘I-It’ relating, we are impersonal and top-down. We impose categories on raw experience – for example deciding a tree is an oak tree, not a beech tree, rather than really taking in its colours and shapes; or perhaps as a clinician, deciding someone has a ‘personality disorder’ instead of really being with them and allowing their humanity to unfold. ‘I-Thou’ relating allows ourselves and the other to be fully and authentically who we/they are without agendas. This is surely the foundation for any meaningful relating, whether as a partner or parent or colleague or therapist, or mindfulness teacher.
Authentically present and connected
Being authentically ourselves is a gift that invites others to also be authentically themselves and vice versa. When we sense someone’s sincerity and lack of agenda, we quickly feel safe and relaxed and that allows us to move towards being the same. Mindfulness is a wonderful foundation for being able to relate in this way. It teaches us a method for being with ourselves and each other and the world, that is simply present – with awareness and acceptance of whatever happens to be present – without getting caught up with the stories and labels our minds so readily provide. It doesn’t have an agenda, and helps us move from doing to being.
Mindfulness need not be something we just use to turn in on ourselves to calmly steady ourselves, but, crucially, it can also be a way we open to the raw experience of the world, to relate and respond authentically.
One sure way of not relating authentically is to become transactional: impersonal, task and performance-oriented behaviour. This approach pays insufficient attention to the networks of relationships that can take place at the individual, personal level and at the macro, global level. We are now well aware that in ecosystems, removing just one piece of the system can have disastrous effects on the rest of the system. When the wolves in Yellowstone Park were killed in the early 1990s, the elk population grew. They ate the willow and aspen trees, which destroyed the materials the beavers needed to build dams. This damaged the bird and fish populations that depended on beaver ponds. When wolves were reintroduced in 1995, elk numbers fell, vegetation recovered, beavers returned, and rivers stabilised again.
More than the sum of their parts
There is an equivalent story to be told in organisations where people form intricate and cherished relationships with each other that offer far more than the sum of the tasks that they perform. These relationships are often the principal source of enjoyment at work, and one of the main reasons that we stay in an organisation. We had to undertake a restructuring recently at the Sussex Mindfulness Centre that resulted in us losing a valued member of staff. This was a painful and difficult process for everyone and as we’re a small organisation, we all felt it. Most religions use the metaphor of the whole community being a body and how it is impossible to remove one part of the body without the rest of the body being affected. The body is made of the relational networks that make the system work, that make the communication effective and that maintain morale, meaning and connectedness.
In our daily lives, we need trusting, safe points of real meeting and connection but we do not need all our connections to be big and deep. There are so many ways we can personally either connect or avoid connecting. It’s a choice we make many times every day. We could try really seeing the people we live or work with by bringing mindfulness into our daily lives more fully and bringing mindfulness practice from the cushion and out into the world. This would allow us to really see and connect with the people in our office, at the supermarket till or the people we walk past on the street and even the tree at the end of our road.
As we come towards the end of another year, we invite you with us to renew our mindful opening to the people, ecosystems and world all around us and to see what happens.
Clara Strauss and Robert Marx are co-leads at the Sussex Mindfulness Centre. Find out more about them here.
