Hannah Rudd: My journey with mindfulness
How I came to mindfulness
“Mindfulness practice, particularly loving-kindness meditation, has been life-changing,” explains Hannah. “It has affected all areas of my life, whether at work or home”.
Hannah works as an administrator in the NHS and shares her experiences of using mindfulness to respond to her recent autism diagnosis and to manage life’s stresses. She describes how a Mindful Self-Compassion course with the Sussex Mindfulness Centre has helped her to manage shame around her autism, support herself through challenges and nurture self-compassion.
This blog post is based on an interview with Tamsin Bishton using Hannah’s words. It’s part of a blog series “My journey with mindfulness” edited by Tamsin.
How I started exploring mindfulness practices
I’ve been open to mindfulness since my 20s when I had an out-of-body experience. That led me to lunchtime meditation sessions at an NHS hospital, which I really took to. I didn’t know much about it then, but I found that it helped me to work with my thoughts. I also did a compassion-focused therapy course with Paul Gilbert and attended some Buddhist retreats during that time. When I had children, I found it harder to find the time to meditate. It was when I joined the Sussex Partnership as an administrator last year that I got interested again. I did an eight-week Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) course and my practice started again.
After the MBCT course, I practiced mindfulness every day. I learned about loving-kindness meditation, and I used this to focus compassion on my mum, who has dementia, and for myself. This led me to the eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) course which I recently completed, also at Sussex Mindfulness Centre.
Mindfulness has helped me respond positively to my autism diagnosis
I was recently diagnosed with autism, and self-compassion has been crucial for addressing the lifelong feelings of shame and not fitting in. These beliefs, like feeling unlovable, were common for me growing up undiagnosed. Mindfulness helped me realise and rewrite these beliefs. It has also helped me find ways to manage my sensitivities, particularly to sounds, with comforting words and soothing touch. As a result I’ve been able to stop my anxiety medication.
I’m a visual learner, and I think this is connected to my autism. When I was in my 20s I created a mind map and over the years I’ve applied it to lots of different things to help me understand better. This mind map supported my learning and experiencing as I explored self-compassion and loving-kindness meditations.
I used the mind map to organise my reflections. I found that placing key aspects on paper, and deciding where and how they fit together helped me to make sense of it all. Reflecting on my experiences in this way had a huge impact on how effective the course was for me.
Practising self-compassion through mindfulness has profound effects
Mindfulness practice, particularly loving-kindness meditation, has been life-changing. It has affected all areas of my life, whether at work or home. I’ve grown more resilient, managing challenges without feeling overwhelmed. I’ve integrated loving-kindness into my day, regardless of what else is going on in life, and it has transformed how I feel about myself and others.
It’s not without its challenges. For example I did experience what’s called “backdraft” when first trying to use soothing touch and comforting words in response to stressful situations. I found that playing the piano really helped me work through this. I could sit and play the piano and this drew out my emotions gently and safely, helping me to uncover unconscious negative beliefs that were preventing me from being compassionate towards myself such as “I don’t matter” and “I’m not ok”. It taught me that addressing difficult experiences rather than avoiding them can be beneficial. Accepting that discomfort is okay has helped me in many other areas, reducing resistance and embracing challenges.
I think mindfulness can be helpful for people with autism like me
Based on my experience, I would say that the Mindful Self-Compassion course is particularly beneficial for autistic people like me. It helps address shame and allows you to accept yourself just as you are. I believe it’s vital to understand deeply that there’s nothing wrong with you. Mindfulness has helped me to avoid burnout and is teaching me to love myself fully, reshaping life positively.
If you are interested in trying Mindful Self-Compassion our next course starts in May.