Zoe Shobbrook-Fisher writes about how balancing tender and fierce self-compassion leads to genuine, sustainable wellbeing.
The two wings of self-compassion: fierce and tender
It’s a common misconception that self-compassion means being passive. In fact, it’s a dynamic response to life’s ups and downs that’s essential for genuine and sustainable wellbeing. Dynamic because it’s what we call a ‘caring force’ drawing from two contrasting dimensions of love or kindness. One way of describing these two aspects is as tender and fierce, which is how we explore them on the Mindful Self-Compassion course. For self-compassion to be truly transformative, these two aspects need to be held in a healthy, constant balance — like yin and yang in ancient Chinese philosophy. One without the other causes imbalance in the ‘system’. In this case the system is ourselves.
The original Mindful Self-Compassion course focuses mostly on the development of tender self-compassion. The Fierce Self-Compassion course on the other hand provides balance, so that we can tap into both expressions of kindness for ourselves, and others. Let’s consider this firstly through the lens of a compassionate response to another.
What fierce compassion looks like in practice
When someone we love is in pain or distress, we will likely respond with ‘tender’ compassion wanting to soothe and comfort as best we can. However sometimes if we only respond with tender kindness there’s a risk of complacency. Disrespectful behaviour, unhealthy relationship patterns, or self-destructive habits can go unchecked. At its worst an imbalance of tender kindness can become enabling, allowing behaviour that’s harmful to continue. If we genuinely care about someone else’s wellbeing, depending on the relationship, we may wish to support by being involved in protecting them, providing for them, or motivating them to make needed changes. For this we will need to draw on some ‘fierce’, or in other words brave or strong, energy. At the same time if this force isn’t balanced with some tenderness our response can manifest as destructive rather than constructive, or perhaps as a relentless, unforgiving drive for perfection.
For example, when my son was bullied at primary school I firstly gave him a hug and listened to what had been said and done that had hurt him. This gentle presence meeting his pain with empathy and acceptance is of course what was needed to begin with. The primary function of the tender response is to soothe the nervous system and create a sense of emotional safety. But in this case a soothing response wasn’t enough. I felt my anger as he shared with me what was happening and it signalled clearly to me that some protective action was also necessary. So I then went to his teacher and asked for the behaviour of some of the class to be addressed. Again balance was needed. I needed some courage to challenge the status quo, and quell my own fears of being seen as ‘difficult’. But if I’d gone in on the attack shouting and swearing, I probably wouldn’t have achieved the same level of understanding and the proactive response that we received.
Anger as a signal, not a problem
Now let’s consider what this might mean for the kindness we show ourselves. Accessing this fierce energy often begins with listening to our anger, recognising it as a potent and vital resource. To work with anger ski lfully we need to feel it and own it. Many of us have never been encouraged to feel, let alone appreciate anger, because of course it can be extremely destructive. Perhaps like me you’ve witnessed anger being expressed all too often in ways which are out of control. Or you associate anger with shame, which is often gendered and culturally reinforced. It makes sense on the one hand to suppress anger for fear of such consequences. What if on the other hand we respected the important signals it sends about what and who we care about?
“Anger is the deepest form of compassion, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family, and for all of our ideals, all vulnerable and all possibly about to be hurt.” David Whyte, Anglo-Irish poet, author and philosopher.
Once we learn to recognise anger and attend to it wisely (which is what fierce self-compassion training includes) it can be worked with as a clear, focused expression from the body’s intelligent alarm system. Anger rises up for example when a boundary has been crossed; or a core value has been violated or a vital need is unmet. It tells me that action is needed, and fires me up to speak when I need courage, to act when I’m avoiding, or to prioritise a bit more what fulfils me in the midst of a full life.
Channelling anger constructively
When the power of anger is channelled constructively — in the service of preventing or reducing harm — it’s like enhanced fuel for decisive action, solidarity, and transformation. Anger gives me the determination to focus on what I can change. By harnessing it, I have the strength to say “no” with conviction. It’s constructive anger behind the call for peace when I say ‘not in my name’ and includes me protesting against injustice and complacency. It really is the brave love that’s needed in these times of multiple social, environmental and political crises.
The supportive energy of strong self-kindness is also essential for us in caring roles. So many of us are exhausted in our professional and personal roles responding to the suffering of others. Yet we cannot give with an empty hand. Fierce self-compassion encourages us to provide for our own needs too in the midst of caring for others. By protecting our time and energy to the degree that’s possible, we are more resilient and available to help in a sustainable way, avoiding burn-out. Far from being selfish, taking care of ourselves resources us to be present and take care of others.
If you are curious and want to embody more empowered self-care in your life, for your own and others’ benefit, I hope you’ll look out for the next Fierce Self-Compassion course coming up in September.
Zoe Shobbrook-Fisher, is a Mindful Self-Compassion teacher and trainer for the Sussex Mindfulness Centre. If you would like to find out about her eight-week course Fierce Self-Compassion course, or the teacher training practicum to deliver the eight week course check out these links.
Eight-week Fierce Self-Compassion course
Fierce Self-Compassion teacher training practicum for Mindful Self-Compassion teachers